Laughter: The Universal Language – #66

This might be an oldie, but even if it is, I guarantee you’ll laugh anew!

Job application

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old retired engineer submitted to Home Hardware in Montreal. They actually hired him because he was so funny. Make sure you read it all including his first day at work.

NAME:
Kenneth Wray (Grumpy old man)

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman who will cooperate!

DESIRED position:
Company’s Chief Executive or General Manager. (Seriously, whatever’s available.)
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place, would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
$150,000 annually plus Canadian senate share package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday 
Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job – no!  On my breaks – yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with BIG BREASTS and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that NOW!

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
12 Kms

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. Absolutely.

After STARTING my new job as a Shopper/Greeter I started with enthusiasm.
But I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,
 mean-acting LOUD-MOUTHED babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to HOME HARDWARE.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
“No, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7, why the the HELL would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone IMPREGNATED you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at HOME  HARDWARE.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

~~~

Old People Rock!

 

 

5 thoughts on “Laughter: The Universal Language – #66

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