O Computer, how do I hate thee…

~ Ellie

…let me count the ways:

Computer toon
Photo (cc) by Robin Hutton

Thy ever-spinning coloured ball doth twirl,
It driveth me to the very gates of hell.
I’m old; thou came’st when I was but a girl!
If thou’d speed up, ‘twould be by magick spell!
I try to place my reluctant cursor down,
It resisteth all my strength, it will not stay.
Thy “speed” so slow it truly doth astound,
For it’s still saving a file from yesterday.
My brain, it runs a mile ahead of thine
For thou art tired, thy pace it does abate
It hurts to think thy junky hulk is mine
Face the truth, you’re from two-thou’-and-eight!
‘Tis time to retire thy weary screen and keys
And find me a new machine for a couple of g’s.

27 thoughts on “O Computer, how do I hate thee…”

  1. Yea, though thou walk through the valley of the computer store, thou will fear evil: for thou knowest that thou shalt be screw-ed by a salesman thus.

    Thine enemy preparest a table before thou in the presence of thine wallet: he anointest thine head with inane descriptions of speed and capacity; my hard drive runneth over.

    Yea verily I say to thee: Good f*ing luck!!! 😀

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  2. Elizabeth never had to deal with this! 🙂

    I always buy directly from the mfg. Go online and see what they have on offer that will fit your needs. And then call them directly. The company can build the computer to your specs.

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  3. 1-Elizabeth Barrett Browning-Sonnet 43 How do I love thee? Let me count the ways ha-ha

    2-Oh, I don’t know anything about Macs. But you can go their website and see what’s available. And their stores are only Mac so the experience might be better. Not like a computer store in which several brands of computers are sold.

    3-The only thing you can buy for $98.99 is a pen, paper and an abacus 😀

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  6. I’m using a laptop from 2009 which is missing “enter” and “backspace” keys and the battery died a long time ago (despite never untethering it from the wall). The keys no longer have the letters printed on them. But the keyboard feels comfortable, just like an old shoe and works like a charm, as long as your pinky finger is up to punching down really hard on the two rubbery stubs that are missing their actual keys.

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    1. 2009, another oldie. Ah yes, rubbery stubs. Been there, done that… on earlier computers I’ve known and (not) loved. My kb is only missing one, and it’s inconsequential. My iMac has a “command” key (like the PC’s control key) on either side of the space bar. The one just to the right of the space bar is missing. But I never used it anyway, so no prob! I know what you mean about the comfortable old-shoe feeling! I will admit my keyboard has that comfy feeling too. It’s the dang brain of my machine that irks me no end due to its slowness. Sigh.

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      1. When I’m on a roll, and typing fast and furiously, having spent a significant amount of time pounding an old Royal typewriter or an IBM Selectric, long before using a computer, I sometimes do pound the keyboard. I noticed on the home keys, even on this laptop which is only four years old, that not only is the lettering missing, but there are indentations on the keys. Am I taking out my aggressions somehow? I work from home, so I had to abandon the 2009 laptop and use it just for photos, scanning and I’ll check in at work in the morning as well.

        Let those fingers fly … words from the brain, when it is fully functioning, go straight to the keyboard.

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        1. Well said, well typed! Same as you, but my early typing was on an Underwood and then a Smith-Corona. Memories, eh? Pound those keys, go for it! Who’s to know?! Well, me, now. But I approve with gusto! Don’t forget the gusto.

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        2. Got to have the gusto to swing that carriage return after the ding! People these days just don’t know what they are missing! My mom’s old Royal with the high keys came in a leatherette box, like a small suitcase. You kept the typewriter sitting on the lid and the faster you typed (assuming your fingers did not slide down and get caught in between the keys) the more the Royal rattled. And, how about changing the red/black ribbon or using the correction tape that made white speckles all over? We’ve come a long way baby!

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        4. I remember typing something like a term paper for school, and I was on a roll, lots of good thoughts, and would have to roll the paper out of the platen, get a new sheet, roll it in … I hated to stop and lose the momentum!

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        5. 1) Hey, do you suppose that’s where the expression “on a roll” comes from? The rolling of the paper…? Just a thought!
          2) Thank you for the correct spelling of “lose.” I am SO sick and tired of seeing the abominable “loose” everywhere! (Apparently they think it’s like “choose.” They weren’t awake in grade 2. Grrr.)

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        6. You’ve got a point there Ellie. It just may be.

          I never realized what bad spellers people were until I started reading the comments on social media. It is unfathomable to me that people could graduate with a high school diploma and spell the way they do. “Lose” and “loose” and “their”/”there”/”they’re” really get to me. My boss does it’s all the time and adds the possessive to “s” and gets mad if I make it the proper way, but I see that a lot on social media, adding the possessive when adding an “s” to your word. How about “your” and “you’re” … clearly they were out sick in grade 2.

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        8. I’ll look forward to that … I did enjoy following Grammerly on Twitter but they posted all day long, but did have some funny posts. Sometimes they’d spotlight funny cellphone messages with the auto-correct feature. Seeing them made me glad I use a flip phone.

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